September 6th, 2010

September 6th, 2010
Dear Jeremy,
As I start to settle into the idea that I am an adult I am jolted by the fact that I am also a husband and a father. You are six months old today so, I have to admit that on a day to day basis I am pretty settled in the fact that I am all three of those things—for better or worse and to the best of my ability. Being an adult is really the least of the three because “adult” status is something that is bestowed upon you when you cross the arbitrary threshold of eighteen years old. You are by all legal standards an adult the very moment they can dress you in green, hand you a rifle, and tell you to kill and die for an abstract ideology (or more appropriately a monetarily driven political debate wrapped in a brightly colored abstract ideology). Being a father and a husband are rooted in something much more important than mere adulthood—it is rooted in manhood.
Manhood is a quality that I am having a hard time defining in myself because it too is an abstract ideology but it is something that I must instill in you. A couple years ago, just before I started dating your Mother a friend of mine told me that he was getting married. Suffice it to say I was at a much more Peter Pan-ish stage in my life than I am now and I felt it prudent to tell him that I was very happy for him as long as he “was ready to be a man”. He asked me what I meant by that and I told him if he had to ask then he probably wasn’t ready. That may be true but as I am getting older and really becoming comfortable in my own manhood I wonder if his question was about a less exoteric notion than I had at that point considered. I am starting to wonder if he literally was asking what “being a man” meant to me— or in other words how do I define it, personally.
Manhood is one of those variable traits that switches and changes along predefined roles and responsibilities across countries and cultures. Usually it is understood to be attained through varies rites of passage or milestones of maturity; some of which come at fixed ages and other which come through experience. These rites once fulfilled and experiences one…um…experienced and processed eventually start to give you an appreciation for the world and your role within it that should be exuded in your actions as manhood. Got it?
Americans have a very specific fantasy of manhood that has previously been personified by the likes of Audie Murphy—a World War II hero and veteran turned movies star and John Wayne—the essence of American machismo and bravado distilled into a cowboy hat and flavored with tobacco. Both of these men were personifications of the soldier. As I implied before: you cannot be a solider if you are not an adult. A soldier however can also be a personification of manhood—fighting the good fight to make the world safe for “x,y,z” reason from the “a,b,c” threat. Over time American sensibility has morphed this soldier/cowboy movie manhood into almost an anti-hero, or a man who can stand apart or against the societal norms and systemic institutions while simultaneously being a part of them. Bruce Willis’ John McClain from the Die Hard movies is an example of this or Harrison Ford playing the President (again) that gets caught up in some plot and has to shoot his way out of it.
While there are many humorous observations to be made about these stereotypes of American manhood such as:
“American Men never have to reload their guns. They shoot infinity bullets”
“You can always tell the good guys by the color of their hats”
“The stronger your manhood, the wittier your one liners”
“In order to be the President you need to be badass and the Vice President has to be a Wookie.”
There is something simultaneously deep and shallow being said through these archetypes. The depth of it is the implied sense of “doing-good” while the shallow part is “watch me blow up this car by shooting it with infinity bullets” (that doesn’t really work by the way so, Jeremy, don’t waste your allowance on infinity bullets). “Doing-good” is a firmly rooted staple of manhood; though it is more appropriately expanded to having a “good sense of morality”. Morality is also a slippery beast to saddle because it can be so varied and while something may not be legal it may not be justice and while something may be just it may not be kind and while something may be kind it may not be right. At the end of the day morality is about doing what’s “right” despite justice, legality, and kindness though they are not by far mutually exclusive.
Many groups try to instill morality upon others; none more virulently and emphatically than religious groups. Religious groups will all try to convince you that they have “the true word of god” and that all of the other religions are false and will eventually lead you into either: hell, or someplace that doesn’t have as good a view in heaven as they’ve got. I personally have more than my fair share of problems with organized religion, but as I’m sure you’ve noticed by now you’ve been raised in the Jewish faith. You may wonder why I have chosen to instill in you reverence, love, and fear for an invisible man who never speaks or otherwise shows himself and has rules that you must follow lest he be MAD AT YOU FOREVER (I cannot do the topic justice as George Carlin did, and I must refer you to him for elaboration).
The answer is simple—the root of my morality comes from the teachings of the Jewish Faith despite all of the rigmarole that man has added to it in order to lord it up over others. All religions do this, by the way—they have a kernel of truth and then build around it crazy customs that, sometimes, seem whimsical and must be carried out as a measure of your faith and my extension your morality.
In religion morality is taught through an ephemeral sense of cause and effect—if I don’t follow the Ten Commandments God will punish me—and it is followed by an adult sense of corporeal cause and effect. Thou shalt not kill because you will go to hell becomes a death sentence for murder-one. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife becomes a punch in the face from a very angry husband. The power of these lessons is imparted via mythology, fable, and parable—Aesop’s, Greek, Grimm, even and especially the Bible, Torah, Quran, Bhagavad Gita (religious texts in general)—while corporeal law will be imparted through anecdote and journalism.
Religious morality however does not equal morality in general. Many religions allow totally reprehensible acts to be committed in the name of God—most famously Christianity and Islam. Wars are fought by two or more sides all claiming to have God behind them; which would be fine if they weren’t all claiming the same God. I have often asserted that the major clash between Christians, Jews, and Muslims all come from the inability to share the same one God. Perhaps if these three monotheistic faiths all had a different deity there wouldn’t be as much friction between them—probably not.
You will find examples of morality being throw your way from all avenues of life. Your schools will try to teach you to share, to be kind, not to lie, and not to run with scissors. You will find that the media (I mentioned a few movie examples earlier) will also provide you with unending spins on morality. The influence that pop-culture will attempt to have on your morality cannot be measured. While I boast a considerable vocabulary that was garnered from reading comic books all my life it also had an impact on my sense of right and wrong and justice. Much like John Wayne and Audie Murphy had their influence form the movies for many comic books had their influence on me.
Senses of honorability, respectability, and doing the right thing because it’s right and not because it’s easy have their root in my reading comic books and as such I cannot deny the medium or its effect on my morality. Comic books and reading them are a big part not only of the development of my sense of morality but are also a big part of the person that I am.
Being honorable or respectable are resultant of morality most times—and they are important facets of being a good man. They are the qualities that people will cite in their ability to trust you. Trustworthiness is one of the most important aspects of your manhood. An untrustworthy man is usually not much of a man to speak of. A person you cannot trust is of no use, they have no purpose, and in the end they will only let you down or leave you in a situation that could have been avoided. An untrustworthy person is a regret waiting to happen. You should steer clear of people like that and never allow yourself to be them.
Some mistake the concept of “manhood” with the idea of “toughness”. “Toughness” is the kind of “Street cred” is not the kind of bravado rooted manhood you should ever worry about. There will be times when you may have to use your fists to defend your honor—but those times should be few and far between. The kind of supposed manhood that is garnered from fisticuffs is hardly worth merit and even worse it only lasts until somebody an put you down on your ass. I am not saying you shouldn’t be able to defend yourself—as a matter of fact if you can you’ll have one up on your old man because my martial art consists of “kick ‘em in the balls and run”—but remember that you ability to use words will always serve you far better than your ability to punch. The pen is mighty than the sword…but don’t test that literally only literarily.
As you get older you will start to make your own decisions on spirituality, religion, morality, and the metaphysical. You will decide to make your own way or to follow a designed path or some compromise of the two—that is not my decision to make for you. It is only my responsibility to instill in you the morals that I think are necessary to make you a good and worthwhile person the only way I know how—example and faith (and more of the former than the latter…some things are for ethnic and cultural benefit). I hope that in your journey to manhood you will find yourself to be honest, hard working, creative, loyal, inquisitive, and independent. I hope you will find yourself saying please and thank you; I hope you will find yourself gracious and considerate of others. I hope you find yourself to be honorable. Most of all I hope you find yourself to be respectable—and not in the “street cred” sort of respect. Nobody should ever question your integrity or your intentions.
I’ll do what I can to get you there—as will the people who helped me get to the place where I am (if that’s considered to be a respectable man…only time will tell). I’ve spoken about the outside influences that will steer your morality, honorability, and trustworthiness but they will all be trumped by the influence (hopefully) of your parents, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, and good friends (emphasis on the good). You come from a good family with a good mother and a half-assed father that tries his best. I dream everyday of the man you will be and the great times we will have together and the pain in the ass you will be as a teenager. Every day. So today on your six-month-birthday I hope you know that I cherish every moment as they come and can’t wait to know all about what you think about stuffs and junk…y’know feelings.
Love,
Your Father

P.S.- As I said you are six months old today. You’ve come a long way from the raspy voiced mush in the NICU. You’ve developed such a distinctive personality over the past six months it makes us sick! Everyone who meets you is impressed. Let’s hope you make some money for Mommy and Daddy since Mommy is trying to sign you up for some baby modeling. You gonna pay for us sonny! In all seriousness we love you very much and all I ask is you do your best to say Da-da first!