June 25, 2010

June 25, 2010
Dear Jeremy,
Whew! It’s been a while since I last wrote but it’s been a very busy time for your father and for the world (in my own defense I do see you every day in the present). All the same let’s get you caught up! Well since I last wrote to you I started my Master’s Degree. By now I’m sure you are sick of stories about when I was getting my degree at NYU and how I had to run all around the Village going to class and buying books and reading in the middle of the night—but that’s where I’m at right now. Professionally, I’ve been working hard on Eat Your Serial.com which, by now has made us mega rich and you are reading this letter off of a hologram, projected out of a diamond, embedded in platinum, in the bathroom. (And if not shame on you, Shawn Abraham!) Your mother just started her fancy director job at a health insurance company and you spend your days with Grandma Bernie and Chewy the Wonder Dog.
Since we last spoke several important events have happened environmentally. There was a big volcanic explosion that covered Europe, there were big earthquakes around the world, there was a big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, and the United States is all a tingle with Soccer-Fever. All of these events surely are signs of the end of times and I will tackle them one by one:
The Volcano. There’s not really too much to speculate about here, it’s really just a sign that the world is pissed off. We come over, we make a mess, and we never wash the dishes. We play the music late and loud, we stomp our feet, and never pull out the garbage pails. Yes, in the year 2035 when I’m 50 and you’re 25 the world will probably have many green technologies initiated in Obama’s (second) term. But right now from where we live, the world is a little better than 30 years ago but not good enough.
All the same the volcano in Iceland blocked all air traffic and cut Europe off from the world as a thick black cloud hung over it. Historians argued that it was Earth saying “Who’s Eurocentric now, bitches?” but others argued that it was just a bad burrito. Seriously though there have been many crazies who are heeding concerns that the world will end in 2012 and that these geological events are the precursor to that apocalypse. It was for a lot of people with business to attend to that week. People did not know what to do without their Europe; and some people wishing to be rid of their Europe were stuck there. I suppose neither is a situation you really want to be in.
The earthquakes. Well, here’s the thing…there have been quite a few earthquakes recently, I’ve gotta say. There’s Haiti, Chile, Cuba, and Baja California. That’s a lot of damn earthquakes. Realistically though, earthquakes happen all the time—probably far more often than women lie to men about. Little tectonic shifts and plates grinding is a natural part of living on earth, it happens. The real doozey in this year’s earthquake situation was how poorly prepared Haiti was. The entire country almost literally fell to pieces. That’s not even slightly comparable to an orgasm—sorry nobody ever made the earth move like that in bed. Um, yeah, you’re a baby now but you’ll know what I’m saying when you read this…or maybe when you read it again later on. It was no laughing matter though—the celebrities came out and made music and cried on T.V. and raised a lot of money for the millions of effected Haitians. Then T.V. got tired of it and we all forgot all about the scary earthquakes. Then they had some more and people started talking that 2012 hoodoo again. It keeps coming up.
Then there’s the oil spill. This one is a bit of a story. And we’ll have to talk about our friend the President again. Y’see a bunch of liberal nay sayers like me got very upset a few months back when President Obama said he was going to open up the idea of off-shore drilling on the east coast. Off-shore drilling, my son, is the drilling for fossil fuel (oil) that is turned into gasoline, and motor oil, and plastic, and all others really fun sorts of things. The problem with drilling in general and particularly on water is that if for some reason the oil should be released and uncontained it’s a very sticky problem. Literally. Oil floats on top of water, blocks out the sun which kills that life in the water and covers all the birds and other creatures that rely on the ocean to live. We’ve been reassured that if for some reason one of the off-shore rigs were to have a problem that the oil-drilling companies had this great plan—they couldn’t tell us what it was though because if the oil heard the plan it wouldn’t work.
All the same we believed there was a plan and Obama said “Hey guys, since you have a plan let’s do some off shore drilling because that the exact same thing as green technology”. Off-shore drilling by the way is the same thing as green technology in the same way that vanilla is the same thing as a basketball. Not even opposites—totally incompatible and furthermore one ruins the other. If you really want vanilla ice cream and get a cold basketball it kind of ruins the whole experience—it’s not like you got chocolate and had to make due. Anyway…
Shortly after Obama said this, shocking both his constituency and his detractors, there was a major explosion in an off-shore rig in the Gulf of Mexico. There was a huge oil spill that is still spilling actually, right now (and unless they do something soon will still be spilling in 2035 when I’m 50 are you’re 25). Rush Limbaugh made an off color comment about how Obama and Greenpeace probably caused the explosion so they could say “We were gonna try it but look what happened!” and that’s the first thing that occurred to me as well; not because I agree with Rush but rather because I read a lot of sci-fi.
It was time for BP (the Oil Company in question) to employ their “off-shore oil spill plan”. The CEO, Tony Hayward, being a proper British gentleman proceeded to go into his file cabinet and pull out the folder labeled “Clusterfuck Agenda and Protocols”. He opened it up, sat down with a spot of tea, and read the “there really is no plan” section and decided it was time to start just thinking of things at random. They had a huge problem on their hands. They tried putting mud in the hole, they tried putting a cap on it, and they tried asking it really nicely to stop flowing. Nothing seems to be working. If the plan was “when there’s an oil spill lets fuck up the local ecology” then that plan gets an A+.
This was over a month ago. The Gulf of Mexico is functionally destroyed—not beyond repair but certainly beyond use at the moment. The entire Gulf coast is black with the decomposed bodies of dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures (flash fact: that’s what oil is made of! That’s why they call it “fossil fuel”). The estimates of how much oil is spilling into the gulf are measured in terms of “hundreds of thousands of gallons” and “hours”. It’s a big mess. And people seem to be blaming everyone—including BP (who is at fault) and the President (who is obviously omnipotent and could make water flow against gravity if Henry Louis Gates asked him to).
So the question is who is to blame? Is it the company that didn’t have a plan or the country that didn’t have a plan? I’d say both with more blame placed on the company, but only a little more. First, this isn’t Obama’s poor planning alone on the part of the government. This is probably a several administrations deep lack of planning. Obama was the man in the Oval Office when it happened so it’s his cross to bear—that’s how it works. The government should have sent in the Army Corps of Engineers along with every other scientist they could find the moment this happened. Waiting on BP to show up with their “master plan” or relying on them to come up with one after the fact was the wrong move but it doesn’t exonerate BP, or any oil companies from not having a plan (I assume the other companies don’t have plans either because if they did they would have shared one by now—and if they are keeping a secret plan they should be hung by their balls over a pit of leeches and spikes). The only people who could really fix this problem are either fictional or dead. Batman or Reed Richards would certainly have a plan. I’m sure Jack Kirby could design a machine that fixed the problem and looked awesome. But since that’s not an issue it seems as if they may not be able to stop the leak until 2012.
I guess to sum this all up 2010 is turning out to be a year with a lot of history to it. Record breaking earthquakes! Record breaking oil spill! Has it occurred to anyone the volcanoes and earthquakes are the ghosts of dinosaurs getting their revenge for our desecration of their bodies? Oh yeah, and the other thing…Americans interested in Soccer! The World Cup is currently being held in South Africa and it’s all the rage with American’s this year (apparently we have a good squad, or team, or unit or whatever they call those giant foosball groups). Maybe we’ll win the world cup and prove that even with no money for student MetroCards, no resources to stop oil spills, or ways to keep New York State from going bankrupt the United States will always have plenty of money to be the best in sports! At least we can realistically say the world probably won’t end in 2012…but then again Sarah Palin has been awfully visible in the political media. Maybe the world will get to do some ending after all.
Love,
Your Father

P.S. You’ve started rolling over, you’ve started teething. You have a doctor’s appointment in two days and I fully expect him to say you’ve topped 15 pounds. We’ve been watching a lot of cartoons together including Full Metal Alchemist, Aeon Flux, Dragonball Z, Avatar the Last Airbender, and The Animatrix. I’m trying to train you up good and nerdy like. You’re eating blended foods that Mommy makes for you. You like carrots, you like oatmeal, you tolerate peas, and you seem to like avocado. Don’t tell anyone but I gave you some chocolate ice cream—you REALLY like that (and you should have seen the poop).